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Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details. How the Mainer got his famous squint by J. G. Fabiano
The other day I arrived at school to have one of the custodians stop me in the hall and tell me, that if he had never seen in me in his life before, he would know right away that I was from Maine. I thought about my weather-beaten, salt-stained baseball cap that is now stuck permanently to my head, and wondered if that was a giveaway. When I asked him how he would just 'know' I was from Maine he shrugged and said Mainers have a "distinctive" appearance. There was something about the way he said "distinctive" I wasn't sure I liked, and it set me to thinking about what Mainers are supposed to look like. Before I go any further with this I want to make it perfectly clear that I do not consider myself a native of Maine. I have only lived here for 27 years and I realize that to most Mainers I may as well have got off the bus yesterday. But, since my arrival here, I assume I must have picked up a few of the native customs and, thus, some of their appearance. People from Maine enjoy wearing baseball caps. Not the type that is seen on baseball player's heads or sideways on "rappers" heads. I am talking about the type of cap that has to be at least a decade old, nothing of the original fabric left on the visor and whatever lettering might be on the front long since colonized by sweat and mold. Mainers are the only people I have ever met who will actually repair a baseball cap with duct tape so they can go on wearing it. Flannel shirts are very popular with the people of Maine. They come in all colors and are made of that soft, heavy cotton that will keep alive anyone trapped in a snowdrift in June but, the key here is, you never see a real Mainer wearing a new flannel shirt. That doesn't mean they buy them secondhand either. because old flannel shirts are never given away or thrown out. They're handed down as family heirlooms or go with the wearer to the grave. What I figure they do before they ever put them on is wash them, hang them on the line and leave them there all summer to get that "broken-in" look. By "broken-in" I mean faded to the point where you can't tell where the red ends and the black begins. Plus, no Mainer would ever wear a blue flannel shirt. They are made for those folk who live over on the northwestern coast of the United States so that everybody in between can tell the difference. Dungarees are also a favorite accouterment of those who call Maine their home. Like their flannel shirts, these uniquely loose fitting, heavy-duty cotton twill garments never look new. They always look like the feller wearing them just came in from the fields or got off a lobster boat. I figure the hardware store can't sell them before smearing them with fish paste or cow manure, depending on who is doing the buying. Of course, with the dungarees, there is an important accessory. Real Mainers will need a pair of suspenders to hold them up, not a belt. A belt may be worn with suspenders, but never on its own. Now pay attention because this is where you can tell the real Mainer from the fake. Real Mainers wear suspenders that blend in perfectly with their flannel shirt. Red or black, and that's it. A goat roper, that is anybody who moved to Maine in the last 50 years, will wear contrasting suspenders, as if they are trying to convince all around them that they are from Maine when what they are really doing is telling everybody just the opposite. Real Mainers are also very particular about their footwear. During the winter they wear heavy leather boots that are waterproof, bulletproof and guard against temperatures that would paralyze a penguin. The laces of these boots are brown or black leather strips. Cloth shoelaces would never survive a single winter up here on the tundra and, besides, no real Mainer would ever be caught dead having colored shoelaces that might give a goat roper a clue to the personality of the wearer. The real Mainer also wears the same boots in the summer, the only concession he will make to the season being a lighter pair of socks. Attire is not the only way to tell if a Mainer is the genuine article. A true Mainer's eyes are always squinted. That is because, during the summer months, he will never wear sunglasses. People from Maine don't give a damn for sissy fashion accessories like sunglasses. Think about it, however long you have lived here - have you ever seen a real Mainer wearing sunglasses? Of course, there are other theories as to why people from Maine all squint. One is that they are careful about whom they talk to or whom they associate with. It's not a squint at all; it's just plain old-fashioned mistrust. Another explanation is that they can't stand the smell of the baseball cap stuck permanently on top of their heads. Walking through our local Shop 'N Save the other day I noticed that there were more new Yorkers than there were Mainers. Notice now, that I don't mean people from New York, I mean people who are new to York. I could tell they were new because they couldn't shut up about how great it was to be up here in a place where life was the way it should be, whatever that means. You can tell they've never had to get by on a Maine paycheck. The men among this new wave of citizenry all seem to want to grow a beard. Maybe they think this is necessary in order to live here but their beards all lack one essential characteristic; sincerity. The sparse and stubbly efforts they conjure up may pass for a beard in the urban wastelands of Massachusetts and New Jersey but up here they just look like they're suffering from a shortage of testosterone and never properly got out of adolescence. It takes decades of Maine winters to develop the type of skin that can grow a real beard and by that I mean a beard as dense as grizzly fur and the Mainers who have them usually don't need them because they have skin like leather anyway. The only reason they're wearing beards at all is because they keep breaking razor blades! If there's ever any doubt about whether somebody is from Maine or not, just ask them. If they answer in more than three words you know right away they're not! The End
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