Copyrights
reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on
'Copyrights' and read the details.
For
your Valentine, only the right thong will do
by
J.
G. Fabiano
The
holiday I enjoy most is Thanksgiving Day.
I
am not forced to go to the malls and look for presents for my loved
ones. I don't have to hear weeks in advance what they want and what
they don't want. All I have to do is show up for a remarkable meal
that lasts for the whole weekend and associate with the people of the
family I still like and who still like me. Christmas Day is a bit
more difficult. I have to hit the malls in an attempt to buy the
perfect gift so my wife and daughter can brag to the rest of the
family and their friends how they have a caring and lovable father. I
usually succeed in this task because, in reality, how hard is it to
follow a list and a set of directions to the correct store?
The
one holiday I absolutely abhor is Valentine's Day. I am forced to
buy overpriced plastic gifts to show that I really care. The bright
red hearts with white doilies are cute but what is usually inside are
candies left over from the Christmas holidays. So, where did this
holiday come from? First celebrated by the ancient Romans in honor of
Lupercus, god of fertility and husbandry, protector of herds and
crops, and, of course, a mighty hunter of wolves, the Romans believed
Lupercus would protect Rome from packs of hungry wolves. Since I
haven't seen a wolf near my garden I don't believe this celebration
is really necessary. The origin of St. Valentine's Day gets better.
The Luperci priests draft some vestal virgins, I assume from
somewhere in Vermont, to conduct purification rights by sacrificing
goats and a dog. Since we have too many dogs in our neighborhood I am
sure no one would notice if we lost one or two. Now this is where it
starts getting good. The priests then don some loincloths made from
the sacrificed goats and run around Rome, striking women with februa,
which are thongs made from skins of the sacrificed goats. It was
believed that the floggings purified women, and guaranteed their
fertility. After watching too many overweight summer tourists strut
their stuff along the beach in their februa, having a few of them
flogged does not seem like a bad idea!
February,
which to the Romans meant a rite of purification, also prayed to the
goddess Juno Februata who was the goddess of febris, which means
fever of love and marriage. Of course in this part of the country
February means, "freezing off one's butt." Anyway, small
pieces of paper, each of which had the name of a teenaged girl
written on it were put in a container. These small pieces of paper
were called billet. The teenaged boys would then choose one billet at
random. Then the boy and the girl whose name was drawn would join in
erotic games at feasts and parties. After the parties they would
remain sexual partners for the rest of the year. In this part of the
world we call this a high school dance. In A.D. 494, Pope Gelasius
renamed the festival the Purification of the Virgin Mary. Once again
it seems obvious that religious fundamental concepts can mess up a
perfectly organized and probably fun party. Then in A.D. 325 the
church leaders wanted to get rid of all the pagan festivals of the
people but, the Roman people, who were known to enjoy a good time,
thought otherwise.
Then,
in A.D. 496, because the Church of Rome did not have the power or
the will to get rid of this particular festival, Pope Gelasius
changed the name to St Valentine's Day and decided to have it
celebrated on the 14th of February. St. Valentine was one of the
church's saints who in A.D. 270 was executed, probably for flaunting
his februa. The church also changed the festival by, instead of
having the names of girls go into the box, both girls and boys drew
the names of "saints". I assume this was the first co-ed
activity of the Roman church. Also, instead of enjoying whose name
was retrieved from the box, the boy or girl had to emulate the life
of the saint whose name he or she had drawn. I bet there was a whole
bunch of Romans hoping they would pick the name Juno Februata.
However, I still have the questions as to who was the first Valentine
and what does Valentine mean. I am confident it does not mean:
‘ugly plastic red heart filled with stale and foul-tasting
candy’. I looked it up and found out that Valentine comes from
the Latin Valentinus, which means strong, powerful, and mighty. I
don't see how holding onto two toy bears, whose lips stick together
when you make them kiss, is analogous to strong, powerful, and
mighty. The big red heart filled with candy seems to represent the
perfect gift for Valentine's Day but, what does the heart symbol have
to do with a day honoring Valentine?
While
we're on the subject, where the hell did Cupid came from?Actually,
this makes more sense because it comes from the Latin verb cupere,
which means, "to desire". Cupid was said to be the son of
Aphrodite and was responsible for impregnating numerous goddesses
and, every now and then, a mortal. I now understand why he is always
depicted holding arrows. He was said to have both a cruel and happy
personality. Doesn't take a psychologist to figure that one out. He
would use his invisible arrows to strike unsuspecting men and women
in order to make them fall in love. He did not do this for their
benefit, he did it to drive them nuts with intense passion, to make
their lives miserable, and to make them drive to the mall to buy
something cheap for a remarkably high price. After gathering all my
material about the origins and meaning of Valentine's Day I went to
my wife and explained to her the absurdity of celebrating a Roman
pagan ritual. She listened patiently to me and, when I had finished,
went to the kitchen drawer, took out a list of Valentine's Day
presents she and my daughter would like and a map showing me how to
get to the stores that sold them.
Only
nine months to go until Thanksgiving Day!
The
End
|
