Copyrights reserved by the author. If you are in doubt, please click on 'Copyrights' and read the details.The joys of bulking up for a Maine winter by J. G. Fabiano "Are you okay?" I had no idea who was on the other end of the phone. I said I was fine but who wanted to know? "This is your sister from Atlanta," the voice continued. "I am calling because the news says Maine is engulfed in a deep freeze and the wind chills are 50 degrees below zero." She continued by explaining that, according to "authorities" quoted on the news, there was concern that the general population would not be able to survive these extremes in temperature. "So, are you okay?" I was about to reassure her that we were all, indeed, okay, when I paused to wonder whether living in Maine during the winter months really was okay. I know I live in one of the most beautiful parts of the country for about nine months of the year but there are three months when we pay a price for all this beauty. I told her I was just fine and that there were many advantages to living on the beautiful coast of Maine during the mid-winter months. I asked her where else could you pick up your morning paper and not waste time removing the plastic wrapper. In Maine all you have to do is give it a good sharp rap against the delivery box and the wrapper shatters and falls to the ground like broken glass. What other part of our country are you able to make a fashion statement with different colored shoelaces every day because they snap off every time you go to tie them? Just stepping onto the driveway is an adventure. I haven't had to walk to my truck in months because all I have to do is aim my boots toward the cab and inertia allows me to slide right up to the truck door. Think of all the calories I have saved this winter by not having to put one foot in front of the other. The air is remarkably healthy because nothing could possibly live for more than a few microseconds in the cold of a Maine winter. The only way anyone catches a cold in Maine is when they're inside a building. If you want to remain disease free just stay outside for a few minutes and, if the cold doesn't kill you, it will kill any type of germ know to modern science and where else in the continental United States can you have your eyes frozen shut while walking less than a block away from your house. Looking through partially frozen eyelids you can view perfect winter snapshots framed by rainbows of colors because the ice particles on your eyelashes act as perfect prisms. One of my favorite days during the winter months is recycling day. I look forward to the time when I have to organize two weeks worth of old newspapers, half-filled beer and soda cans, empty plastic milk jugs and, of course, the indestructible cardboard that has to broken down and folded so the recycling police will pick it up. During the winter months the beer and soda cans are always frozen and become as hard as bricks. This becomes especially obvious when you try to crush them in order to fit them into the recycling bin. Every two weeks my colleagues at school ask why I am limping. I also notice that we become more religious this time of year as many of us can be seen in our cars, first thing in the morning, eyes turned heavenward, mumbling a short prayer as we turn the key, hoping the engine will start. And, even when the engine catches, there's no guarantee we will be able to take our hands off the steering wheel. There are pieces of my gloves from winters past still stuck to different parts of my steering wheel. Sometimes, when I am in a hurry, I forget to put on a pair of gloves before I attempt to start my truck. If I ever decide to pursue a life of crime I will have little fear of leaving behind any fingerprints because they are now permanently embedded in my steering wheel. Winter boots never grow old in Maine. They never get the chance. If you're lucky they work for a couple of years until that day when the bottom of the boot becomes frozen to the pavement and that ripping sound and sudden blast of Arctic air up your pant leg tells you the upper just part company with the sole. Fashion is never a problem for Mainers this time of year. The reason is we have to put on so many layers of clothing nobody can tell what sex we are. Many of my clothes stay layered in clumps for the whole winter, and all I do when I get dressed is change clumps. On those rare occasions when I feel like making a fashion statement, I rearrange the layers to reveal a bright red or yellow sweater that has spent most of the winter on the inside. In fact, this winter has been so cold that I haven't seen the inside of my closet in two months. The concept of dieting during this time of year is also not necessary. Everybody looks fat because of all the clothes they're wearing. If you think you're gaining weight all you have to do is blame the clothes. The only problem with this is the moment of unwelcome truth that comes with the arrival of spring. When you start taking layers off you find that what you thought was a sweater was actually an extra layer of fat. This is the primary reason Mainers wear their sweaters till the end of May. When I had finished explaining to my sister all the advantages of living in Maine she again asked: "Are you okay?" I got the distinct impression that she was not asking about my physical condition, but more if I had lost my mind! The End
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